Hands-off Protests erupt in Downtown Phoenix

A fleet of CyberTrucks confront hands-off protestors in Downtown Phoenix

Capitol Mall, Phoenix - Protests erupted in downtown Phoenix this Saturday, echoing similar demonstrations across the nation against DOGE stringency measures, Trump tariffs, and a sinking economy. Crowds gathered, chanting slogans like "Key All Teslas!" and "Hey Crooks, Hands Off!"

Amid the protesters was Grant Ellison, an early 40s transplant who recently moved to Phoenix's historic Portland neighborhood from Portland, Oregon. Ellison, a founding member of the liberal advocacy group Friends of Conservatives, explained, "Back in Portland, we would gather around public radio and read Ezra Klein's writings, aiming for a balanced understanding of both perspectives on the facts. Under Obama, we deeply believed in Science, Rational Discourse, Freedom, and Democracy—liberal ideals my $200,000 in student loans taught me to uphold. Loans that Trump is set to reinstate for me. Friends of Conservatives seeks common ground through genuinely understanding the conservative mind with across-the-aisle conversations on hot-button issues."

“Under Obama, we deeply believed in Science, Rational Discourse, Freedom, and Democracy—liberal ideals my $200,000 in student loans taught me to uphold.”

Ellison continued, as he winked at a twenty-something anime Lolita passing by with her friends, "through a series of 'Red Meets Blue' cocktail hours and luncheons in the coming months, we're hoping to lay the groundwork to flip a few Arizona seats come midterms."

Soon, a battery of counter protesters arrived along Roosevelt Row. Two dozen or so marching on foot holding signs proclaiming "Make America Great Again, Again." They marched alongside a fleet of Tesla Models S, 3, X, and Y—one wrapped in Iron Man armor and another in slime-green camouflage.

The situation escalated dramatically when a platoon of fifteen Cybertrucks stormed the protest area in a coordinated "CyberAttack." In an effort to disorient the protesters, the vehicles rolled in with windows down, blasting EDM tracks as drivers exhaled massive, billowing plumes of e-cig vapor flavored with mai tai, pineapple, and acid rush.

Self-proclaimed crypto guru, real estate mogul, influencer, and aspiring DJ Chad Stevens cheered on the Cybertruck brigade, loudly declaring from his space on X: "Elon Musk humbly arrived in the United States and is literally building our future. The libtards are just bitter because they'll never possess Elon’s meme-game, scientific brilliance, and rizz. We need more alpha males like these brave men in Phoenix, showing up when Trump and Musk need us most!”

“Elon Musk humbly arrived in the United States and is literally building our future. The libtards are just bitter because they’ll never possess Elon’s meme-game, scientific brilliance, and rizz.”

In the orange glow of the setting Arizona sun, protest organizer Marissa Lyons addressed the demonstrators gathered in the Capitol mall with an impassioned speech:

"We are here today to stand up against the influencers who have hijacked our country. After requiring $5 billion in taxpayer money to grow Tesla, Elon purchased Twitter to control American information channels—to make himself look cool to teenage boys and help install Trump 2.0. These tacky narcissists and their web of cronies are looting our cultural institutions and democracy for profit. They're able to do so because of our personal and cultural dependency on the social media spectacle, which shapes our news stories, political ideologies, and lives around influencers, false realities, and inhumane ideals. Technology corporations track our every behavior, building highly sophisticated statistical models to decode our innermost thoughts to keep us hooked to their platforms and to sell us even more cheap garbage, which we quickly ship off to dump in countries populated by poorer people with darker skin.

“We must break free from this accelerating descent into madness and destruction! We must set our minds, relationships, political institutions, and culture free from the death grip of algorithms and screens. Pick up a hammer and shatter every screen in your house.

“If you're raising an iPad child glued to YouTube Shorts at every meal, understand that media giants are computationally lobotomizing them—monetizing their attention for immense profit and treating their developing brains like factory-farmed meat. Over time, their attention spans will degrade, causing them to lose forever the ability to grasp the richness of human connection and storytelling—the very kernel of transformative belief, action, and creativity.

“We must create new stories through which we can collectively move forward, establishing new norms and institutions that uphold basic humanistic principles. AI can never tell a story—only humans can. If you're aware that you're reading this, you are human, and your capacity to tell your own story will set us all free. Search endlessly for it, define and redefine it, and act fearlessly to build the world in your story’s image—not Trump’s or Musk’s image, but yours. Soon, we will become machines ruled by machines. Set your story free and smash every screen now—for your children, and their children, and their children!"

“If you’re raising an iPad child glued to YouTube Shorts at every meal, understand that media giants are computationally lobotomizing them—monetizing their attention for immense profit and treating their developing brains like factory-farmed meat.”

No cheers rose from the now-stagnant pond of protesters. Their necks were craned downward, faces bathed in blue light, each one staring blankly at their fluttering phone screens like ghosts anxiously awaiting approval from online connections—people (at least they assumed they were people) they've never met, and never will. Each person desperately hungry for human connection while chasing another's attention and approval. Each one searching endlessly for another's weight in the frictionless space of algorithms and digital media, killed by an all-consuming, suffocating web of likes and hearts on Instagram stories and TikToks.

“Grab a hammer and smash every screen in your house.”

Meanwhile, after winning his second-round matchup at the Senior Club Championship in Jupiter, Florida, President Trump responded to questions about the Phoenix protest and the rising tide of nationwide social unrest: "Arizona—what a tremendous place, tremendous state, full of wonderful people, beautiful women. It's very close to Idaho, believe me, many people are saying it. We absolutely love Arizona!" Trump will advance to the championship round tomorrow.